25

In a few days I will be turning 25. Do I feel 25? Sure, I guess the feeling of 25 is left for me to define… so I can’t feel anything other than. I’m not sure where I saw myself being when I reached 25…. I guess I could attribute that to a shortcoming in my goal setting, a memory lapse, or perhaps a remolding of my expectations. Certainly if you had asked me a year and a half ago for my definition of self and where that self would be it would have involved another part of me, a part that doesn’t exist in my world anymore. Does it still get me down? Some days, but I’ve spent that year and a half that has passed regaining my sense of my whole self that isn’t dependent on any other person. I guess you could say that I’ve spent the last year and a half trying to remember what is was before falling in love that allowed me to maintain a healthy definition of my independent self and how to get that understanding back while fighting the sadness every day.

I took for granted the people and things that brought me joy, because I felt so strongly that my main source of joy had been swept out from under me. Sometimes you learn the hard way to appreciate every moment you have with every single person, but at the same time, I learned who those valuable people really were in my life. I grappled with so many conflicting feelings and concerns… I questioned if my ability to trust would be affected, namely if I would struggle with the constant fear that something could be amiss in a relationship without my awareness. Through my confusion I found myself reliving the past, wondering if certain things were done differently if it would have changed the outcome… until I finally accepted that in the grand scheme of things, those little things weren’t big enough things to have mattered.. that this was the right outcome and that trading all of the pain that came as a result of the loss could never have been worth losing the chance to be in the place that I’m at now.

So here I am… happy to be turning 25, excited to see what the rest of life has in store for me and grateful for everything life has granted me- especially the amazing friends and family that have enriched my life so greatly.

Sometimes, like Regina Spektor put is so nicely, some experiences are like forgetting the words to your favorite song… but sometimes that’s the way it should be.
Love love love!

From Paris to the Swiss Alps

Its been almost a year and I realized that I haven't even made it through 1/10th of blogging my travels around Europe. I left off on my last entry in Paris, from Paris we headed to the Swiss Alps (one of the most breathtaking places of the entire trip). On our first full day in Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland a few of us took the train up to Jungfraujoch, the highest peak in Europe. While up there we went ziplining and played in the snow!

At the top of the mountain we made our way through an awesome ice palace (inside of the glacier) consisting of all kinds of fun ice sculptures like my polar man.

One of the most amazing aspects of the trip (beyond visiting some of the coolest cities in Europe), was the time that the tour group got to bond with one another. The night life is not something to be forgotten in all of these nifty little cities. Many of the campgrounds that we stayed at had a bar, pub, or club on site so that all 48 of us could get together and play silly games like chicken masks! One nifty aspect about this particular pub was that people come from all over the world and write notes on coasters (or personal items they don't mind parting with) and hang them in the bar... so hopefully my note has been found well and maybe one day I can go back and read it myself!

Whenever people ask me what my favorite cities were on the trip (a question that is nearly impossible to answer), I always mention that Lauterbrunnen is at the top of my list (along with Tyrol, Austria for similar reasons). Beyond the obvious reasons of it being such a jaw dropping city, it was one of my personal favorites because of the limitless outdoor activities that can be done there (mountain biking, horse back riding, canyoning, skiing, or even just spending a day on the lake in Interlaken, just to name a few). It is definitely on the top of my list of places to travel back to because we had such a short time there and there are so many more activities I'd love to do.

I apologize if this entry was a bit lack luster, I will try to liven the next one up which won't be difficult to do as I blog about our trip to Nice and Monaco!

When you smile, I smile

After writing such a dismal blog entry, I feel I should follow up with a very happy moment I experienced today. Today my 3rd cousin and her friend flew in from Greece to visit America for the first time. I joined my Aunt and my Yiayia at the airport to greet them when they arrived. After arriving at the airport the first time, we came to find out that my Yiayia misread the itinerary and they were arriving in London at 11am, not in Phoenix. I enjoyed the time spent with my Aunt and Yiayia and happily returned to the airport at 7pm for their actual arrival. We waited at the international arrival gate for a couple of hours, because their flight was delayed. As arrival times grew closer, more and more people would arrive at the gate to greet their partners, friends, and family.

Firstly, it was nostalgic for me. It brought me back to a time when it was not uncommon to be greeted at your gate when you arrived. It reminded me of the joy I experienced when I'd step off the plane and have family members eagerly awaiting my arrival.

Secondly, watching how giddy and ecstatic so many people were to greet the passenger they had been waiting for was such an amazing experience. I wondered to myself how long it had been since they had seen one another.. one week? one month? one year? 5 years? But whatever amount of time it was, these people were missed. These people were loved. One family stood in front of us anxiously awaiting the arrival of a young man and I watched their excitement as he finally came walking towards the gate. Chills ran down my spine as I watched one girl run up to him, crying and hugging him.

Its hard not to smile on the inside and out when you experience happiness in other people's lives.

Drowning

Last night I had a terrible dream. I was wading in a large body of water, I can't recall where, or with who... but all of the sudden someone came from under the water and pulled me down into the depths, and no matter how hard I fought I couldn't come back up to the surface. I didn't drown under the water, instead I was just trapped in an underwater prison, for what reason.. I can't recall.

I'm not big into interpreting dreams, but it isn't difficult for me to find meaning in this one. I've been trying to stay afloat for months now. It was my fault for sinking so low... when the only person I thought could save me wanted nothing to do with me. I've been an empty shell. There's hardly a second that goes by lately that my heart doesn't continue to break. But every day I smile, and I laugh. And some people tell me that my smile makes them smile, and that helps me to keep smiling. Every day I know there is always something to smile about. But there are too many days that I come home and I cry. It's hard for me to admit that. It's hard for me to write about something that to me seems so minute compared to the many tragedies that so many people face. But no matter how much I tell myself that, it doesn't take the pain away.

This time last year I was lying next to the person that I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. And I feel so naive. I feel so naive for thinking that we had something special, something that you don't find everyday.. that I've never found before. I know this isn't a unique feeling, I know people suffer from heartbreak everyday, and I know people feel like its the end of the world... and I know that its not. I know that people move forward and the pain fades away. But sometimes its hard to believe when the pain I experienced the day it ended in a blink of an eye is comparable to the pain I experience now.

I've lost pieces of myself this year. Its crazy what love can do to a person. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that still loved me and supported me despite how weak I became. I know that I haven't been the best me that I can be, but no matter what I always had someone I could turn to... and I guess that's what marks a true friend, someone who stays by your side through the worst of times.

In 2011 I lost what I thought was the love of my life, and a family I thought I could call my own. And it doesn't matter how capable, confident, or strong I thought I was... when you become insignificant to one of the single most important things in your life, none of that matters anymore.

I hope that in 2012 the amount of tears my eyes have shed will turn into strength. I hope I can turn all of this sadness into something positive. I'm in no rush to fall in love again... this time around I'll guard my heart a little better.

Let the tour begin!

After waking up at my hostel in London bright and early I made my way down to the hostel to meet my 48 other travel mates. As soon as I stepped foot into the lobby I was directed towards the tour guide to check-in. To my surprise, our tour guide that would be leading us on this 23 day adventure was quite a cutie. This would be my biggest crush of the entire trip (while I'd usually be embarrassed to share this, it wasn't a well kept secret).

48 of us piled on a bus that took us to Dover where we boarded a ferry to Calais, France (where I could begin using my broken french). While most people became very sea-sick on this ride, I spent most of the time peering out the window and hopping around the ferry. Once we arrived in France we were greeted by our bus driver, Dave, who would be responsible for carting us around Europe. Dave asked for a show of hands of people from each country and mine was the only one for the U.S., to which he responded "don't worry, we'll take care of you".

Shortly after arriving in Paris, we went to a nice little french restaurant and I tried frog legs for the first time. As you can see, I was pretty skeptical about them...

We took a bus tour of the city and ended at the Eiffel tower... just in time for the light show :)

The next day we woke up bright and early and were free to explore the city on our own. A group of us toured Le Louvre and then made our way down to the finish line of Tour de France to watch the finish, which was an awesome thing to witness... (how often am I in Paris for le Tour de France?!)

While waiting for the cyclists to come through I had a hotdog on a baguette and an orangina.

That evening the entire group met underneath the Eiffel tower to have a picnic.

After the picnic many of us changed and attended the Latin Cabaret. It was on the way back from the cabaret that I danced my way down the aisle of the bus on only the 2nd night of knowing my travel buddies. We returned to our hotel and went to a bar across the street... they were closing the doors as we walked up but opened just for us and it was like our own private party. We danced and sang and got to know the people that we would be spending the next 3 weeks with.

Run, run, run away...

Half marathon completed!! 2:07 was my official time. I did a poor job of training before the race... but miraculously made it to the end (not without feeling like my legs were going to collapse at mile 13).

I spent the majority of Sunday and Monday recooperating, because I could barely walk. Running the half marathon brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts for me...

It felt good to run for Susan G Komen. I've been really wanting to get involved in more volunteering opportunities lately, and this was the perfect motivation/jump start.

I felt accomplished... a year ago I would have considered myself a pretty healthy person, but I was not active at all... I was always "too tired" to work out or go for a run. This year I feel brand new as far as fitness goes. Running the half reminded me that I really can do anything I set my mind to. I hope to run 5 miles at least 3 times a week and keep up with a healthy diet.

With all that said, there's still an emptiness that resides in me. There's still that piece of me that wishes that person would have been sitting in the back of the audience somewhere at my graduation... would have been wishing me the best of luck on my national counselor examination, and would have been cheering me on in my first half marathon. And its embarrassing to admit that during these great accomplishments sometimes I just want to breakdown because at times they mean nothing to me without that person. With my heart breaking over and over again, its hard to accept that someone can stop loving and caring for another person in the blink of an eye. Tonight I thought to myself that I hope the next person I end up in a serious relationship with has experienced heartbreak (and recovered, of course). I think for anyone that hasn't experienced it, it just seems like such a teenage cliche when someone says "it's the end of the world". No, of course not, but it doesn't mean that sometimes it doesn't feel like it is. It doesn't mean that sometimes the pain isn't unbearable, and that the only person you think could take that pain away has caused it and will only continue to contribute to it. I never thought anything would have me, as cheerful and optimistic as I can be, aching for nearly a year. And I guess, on the bright side, this experience has inspired me more than ever to help couples and individuals in pain due to relationships. It's hard to believe that during the hardest 4 months of my time in grad school, I was counseling couples and even being told that I was the best therapist they had ever had. I put a smile on my face, and they never would have guessed that every day my heart was breaking. As a counselor, its nice to know that I can play a role in helping some couples develop the skills or insight that they need to repair their relationship, instead of just giving up on it.

So for now, I'll keep putting a smile on my face. I'll keep doing the things that make me happy. And I hope that I can make other people happy in the process. Sometimes I'll fill the void, and sometimes it will be empty again, but I'm hoping that as time goes on the void will get smaller and smaller until all of this is a distant memory.

Tomorrow morning I'm looking forward to a large glass of homemade iced green tea and the feeling of fall. Goodnight friends.

Light Rail Love

“Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.” –Le Petit Prince

I was riding the light rail on Saturday night when a couple who were visually impaired got on and sat across from me. I observed the couple as they held one another and sat quietly. They looked so sweet and happy together. It really got me thinking about love (something you analyze way too much after you’ve experienced heartbreak). I started thinking about how pure their relationship must be. How they had probably come together because they had something in common that allowed them to relate to one another, but that they were able to truly know the other and love the other for everything that they really are, looks and superficiality aside. I know for the most part that I will always be driven to another person by physical attraction, as long as I am able to, but I can only hope that I will be lucky enough to end up with someone through the important stuff… through their quirks, values, and everything that could never be expressed by the way they look.

Thank you light rail love. <3

And Suddenly I'm Free... Suddenly I'm Me...

I wish I could break it down into a simple equation. The day I woke up and realized that this was right, that this person wasn't supposed to be in my life. And I wish I could say that I wasn't exaggerating about it being just that one day (okay... maybe its a bit of an exaggeration), but after 7 months of inexplicable pain, one day I regained my spark... just like that. I feel like all of the stuff that I could write that helped me has been written in relationship blogs and advice columns time and time again. Unfortunately... until you're ready to accept what you're reading, you can't move on... and that's what I learned. I didn't "hear" anything different that one day than I did 7 months ago when the heartbreak began... but I heard everything differently when I was ready to face it.

Let my travel blogs begin :)

So it's been a couple of months now since I returned back from my travels across Europe, but I think its about time I write about my adventures :)

For starters, I guess I should explain my trip. I booked a tour that traveled to 10 different countries in Europe over 23 days. I'd never been to Europe (or around the world much at all) before this trip.... and I never realized what adventure I was missing out on until my journey began. The tour group met in London, but the tour didn't include London so I flew in a couple of days early to explore on my own. I'm used to flying by myself, but I'm definitely not used to landing in a foreign city, let alone a foreign country, with out anyone there I know. The plane ride was surprisingly pleasant, with surprisingly good food (thanks Air Canada!). It was also a nice bonus that the passengers next to me were great company and shared many stories with me about their own travels. When I arrived in London, I found it was so easy to navigate and after making some new friends at the airport that I would later try to meet up with, and traveling on the tube to Kings Cross Station, I had very little difficulty finding my way to the hostel I was staying at for my two nights in London. I was a little skeptical about staying in a hostel, as I had never done anything like it before... but I am so thankful that I did because it was so easy to make friends quickly in this foreign place. I spent the first day wandering around the city and catching the tube to random places (such as Hyde Park) so that I would know how to quickly get to the sites the next day. I later made some friends in the lobby, one from New Zealand, who I hope to remain in touch with for a long time to come :). A good friend (since middle school) happened to be in London with her boyfriend and was able to meet my new friend and I at my hostel and we had an amazing night just laughing and sharing stories with one another.

The next day I was supposed to meet my new "wolfpack" (3 guys from California that I met at the airport), at Hyde Palace, for the changing of the guard, but let me tell you... there were a lot of people there, so I didn't have much luck. Instead, I met this amazing family, a wife and husband who had been traveling with their 3 young boys across the world (16 different countries, over a span of 11 months). I spent the rest of the afternoon traveling

to the sites with this awesome family, while they told me about the coolest places they had visited and showed me photos- adding to my already lengthy list of countries I have to see. I was so lucky to have met such a generous and open family, and it really made my adventures in London (on my own) that much more enjoyable.

After having only spent 2 days in London

I was sad to leave all of my new friends, but was chipper as can be at 6am when it was time to wake up and journey over to the hostel where I would be meeting the 50 strangers that I would be spending the next month with.

A renewed sense of optimism

I've been really bad about writing in my blog since I started it back in June. I think its because I fear that I'll get too personal or because I think of so many things to write about that I don't know where to begin. I was recently reminded by a good friend that I encourage others to be candid, so I'll try not to hold back.

I intended to write a blog right after I returned from my tour of Europe, but writer's block kicked in and I still haven't found the time to fill everyone in on the highlights of my travels (it will take ages of course!). I had a lot of time to reflect while on my travels.. and even the months following...

Periodically I listen to messages that I've saved in my voicemail. I received one from an amazing family member months back, after I was struggling through some tough times with the passing of two friends and a heart that I thought would never heal. In the meantime I was trying to find some joy in obtaining a master's degree while surrounded by so many amazing family members and friends. The voicemail said, "I hope you get your energy back, your strength back, and your smile back." I still get teary-eyed when I listen to that message.

So here I am. Strength, smile, and energy- check. Some days I still find myself confused, sad, and hurt, but I accept the pain and move on. I still try to understand, as much as I know it doesn't make a difference, I think its just in my nature to try to find answers. And maybe I had the answers all along... it just took looking inside myself... and facing some realities that I wasn't ready to face.

[I wrote this blog a few weeks ago, but decided to go ahead and publish it in an attempt to motivate myself to keep writing and submitting my entries on a regular basis. :) ]