Drowning

Last night I had a terrible dream. I was wading in a large body of water, I can't recall where, or with who... but all of the sudden someone came from under the water and pulled me down into the depths, and no matter how hard I fought I couldn't come back up to the surface. I didn't drown under the water, instead I was just trapped in an underwater prison, for what reason.. I can't recall.

I'm not big into interpreting dreams, but it isn't difficult for me to find meaning in this one. I've been trying to stay afloat for months now. It was my fault for sinking so low... when the only person I thought could save me wanted nothing to do with me. I've been an empty shell. There's hardly a second that goes by lately that my heart doesn't continue to break. But every day I smile, and I laugh. And some people tell me that my smile makes them smile, and that helps me to keep smiling. Every day I know there is always something to smile about. But there are too many days that I come home and I cry. It's hard for me to admit that. It's hard for me to write about something that to me seems so minute compared to the many tragedies that so many people face. But no matter how much I tell myself that, it doesn't take the pain away.

This time last year I was lying next to the person that I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. And I feel so naive. I feel so naive for thinking that we had something special, something that you don't find everyday.. that I've never found before. I know this isn't a unique feeling, I know people suffer from heartbreak everyday, and I know people feel like its the end of the world... and I know that its not. I know that people move forward and the pain fades away. But sometimes its hard to believe when the pain I experienced the day it ended in a blink of an eye is comparable to the pain I experience now.

I've lost pieces of myself this year. Its crazy what love can do to a person. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that still loved me and supported me despite how weak I became. I know that I haven't been the best me that I can be, but no matter what I always had someone I could turn to... and I guess that's what marks a true friend, someone who stays by your side through the worst of times.

In 2011 I lost what I thought was the love of my life, and a family I thought I could call my own. And it doesn't matter how capable, confident, or strong I thought I was... when you become insignificant to one of the single most important things in your life, none of that matters anymore.

I hope that in 2012 the amount of tears my eyes have shed will turn into strength. I hope I can turn all of this sadness into something positive. I'm in no rush to fall in love again... this time around I'll guard my heart a little better.