When you smile, I smile

After writing such a dismal blog entry, I feel I should follow up with a very happy moment I experienced today. Today my 3rd cousin and her friend flew in from Greece to visit America for the first time. I joined my Aunt and my Yiayia at the airport to greet them when they arrived. After arriving at the airport the first time, we came to find out that my Yiayia misread the itinerary and they were arriving in London at 11am, not in Phoenix. I enjoyed the time spent with my Aunt and Yiayia and happily returned to the airport at 7pm for their actual arrival. We waited at the international arrival gate for a couple of hours, because their flight was delayed. As arrival times grew closer, more and more people would arrive at the gate to greet their partners, friends, and family.

Firstly, it was nostalgic for me. It brought me back to a time when it was not uncommon to be greeted at your gate when you arrived. It reminded me of the joy I experienced when I'd step off the plane and have family members eagerly awaiting my arrival.

Secondly, watching how giddy and ecstatic so many people were to greet the passenger they had been waiting for was such an amazing experience. I wondered to myself how long it had been since they had seen one another.. one week? one month? one year? 5 years? But whatever amount of time it was, these people were missed. These people were loved. One family stood in front of us anxiously awaiting the arrival of a young man and I watched their excitement as he finally came walking towards the gate. Chills ran down my spine as I watched one girl run up to him, crying and hugging him.

Its hard not to smile on the inside and out when you experience happiness in other people's lives.

Drowning

Last night I had a terrible dream. I was wading in a large body of water, I can't recall where, or with who... but all of the sudden someone came from under the water and pulled me down into the depths, and no matter how hard I fought I couldn't come back up to the surface. I didn't drown under the water, instead I was just trapped in an underwater prison, for what reason.. I can't recall.

I'm not big into interpreting dreams, but it isn't difficult for me to find meaning in this one. I've been trying to stay afloat for months now. It was my fault for sinking so low... when the only person I thought could save me wanted nothing to do with me. I've been an empty shell. There's hardly a second that goes by lately that my heart doesn't continue to break. But every day I smile, and I laugh. And some people tell me that my smile makes them smile, and that helps me to keep smiling. Every day I know there is always something to smile about. But there are too many days that I come home and I cry. It's hard for me to admit that. It's hard for me to write about something that to me seems so minute compared to the many tragedies that so many people face. But no matter how much I tell myself that, it doesn't take the pain away.

This time last year I was lying next to the person that I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. And I feel so naive. I feel so naive for thinking that we had something special, something that you don't find everyday.. that I've never found before. I know this isn't a unique feeling, I know people suffer from heartbreak everyday, and I know people feel like its the end of the world... and I know that its not. I know that people move forward and the pain fades away. But sometimes its hard to believe when the pain I experienced the day it ended in a blink of an eye is comparable to the pain I experience now.

I've lost pieces of myself this year. Its crazy what love can do to a person. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that still loved me and supported me despite how weak I became. I know that I haven't been the best me that I can be, but no matter what I always had someone I could turn to... and I guess that's what marks a true friend, someone who stays by your side through the worst of times.

In 2011 I lost what I thought was the love of my life, and a family I thought I could call my own. And it doesn't matter how capable, confident, or strong I thought I was... when you become insignificant to one of the single most important things in your life, none of that matters anymore.

I hope that in 2012 the amount of tears my eyes have shed will turn into strength. I hope I can turn all of this sadness into something positive. I'm in no rush to fall in love again... this time around I'll guard my heart a little better.

Let the tour begin!

After waking up at my hostel in London bright and early I made my way down to the hostel to meet my 48 other travel mates. As soon as I stepped foot into the lobby I was directed towards the tour guide to check-in. To my surprise, our tour guide that would be leading us on this 23 day adventure was quite a cutie. This would be my biggest crush of the entire trip (while I'd usually be embarrassed to share this, it wasn't a well kept secret).

48 of us piled on a bus that took us to Dover where we boarded a ferry to Calais, France (where I could begin using my broken french). While most people became very sea-sick on this ride, I spent most of the time peering out the window and hopping around the ferry. Once we arrived in France we were greeted by our bus driver, Dave, who would be responsible for carting us around Europe. Dave asked for a show of hands of people from each country and mine was the only one for the U.S., to which he responded "don't worry, we'll take care of you".

Shortly after arriving in Paris, we went to a nice little french restaurant and I tried frog legs for the first time. As you can see, I was pretty skeptical about them...

We took a bus tour of the city and ended at the Eiffel tower... just in time for the light show :)

The next day we woke up bright and early and were free to explore the city on our own. A group of us toured Le Louvre and then made our way down to the finish line of Tour de France to watch the finish, which was an awesome thing to witness... (how often am I in Paris for le Tour de France?!)

While waiting for the cyclists to come through I had a hotdog on a baguette and an orangina.

That evening the entire group met underneath the Eiffel tower to have a picnic.

After the picnic many of us changed and attended the Latin Cabaret. It was on the way back from the cabaret that I danced my way down the aisle of the bus on only the 2nd night of knowing my travel buddies. We returned to our hotel and went to a bar across the street... they were closing the doors as we walked up but opened just for us and it was like our own private party. We danced and sang and got to know the people that we would be spending the next 3 weeks with.

Run, run, run away...

Half marathon completed!! 2:07 was my official time. I did a poor job of training before the race... but miraculously made it to the end (not without feeling like my legs were going to collapse at mile 13).

I spent the majority of Sunday and Monday recooperating, because I could barely walk. Running the half marathon brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts for me...

It felt good to run for Susan G Komen. I've been really wanting to get involved in more volunteering opportunities lately, and this was the perfect motivation/jump start.

I felt accomplished... a year ago I would have considered myself a pretty healthy person, but I was not active at all... I was always "too tired" to work out or go for a run. This year I feel brand new as far as fitness goes. Running the half reminded me that I really can do anything I set my mind to. I hope to run 5 miles at least 3 times a week and keep up with a healthy diet.

With all that said, there's still an emptiness that resides in me. There's still that piece of me that wishes that person would have been sitting in the back of the audience somewhere at my graduation... would have been wishing me the best of luck on my national counselor examination, and would have been cheering me on in my first half marathon. And its embarrassing to admit that during these great accomplishments sometimes I just want to breakdown because at times they mean nothing to me without that person. With my heart breaking over and over again, its hard to accept that someone can stop loving and caring for another person in the blink of an eye. Tonight I thought to myself that I hope the next person I end up in a serious relationship with has experienced heartbreak (and recovered, of course). I think for anyone that hasn't experienced it, it just seems like such a teenage cliche when someone says "it's the end of the world". No, of course not, but it doesn't mean that sometimes it doesn't feel like it is. It doesn't mean that sometimes the pain isn't unbearable, and that the only person you think could take that pain away has caused it and will only continue to contribute to it. I never thought anything would have me, as cheerful and optimistic as I can be, aching for nearly a year. And I guess, on the bright side, this experience has inspired me more than ever to help couples and individuals in pain due to relationships. It's hard to believe that during the hardest 4 months of my time in grad school, I was counseling couples and even being told that I was the best therapist they had ever had. I put a smile on my face, and they never would have guessed that every day my heart was breaking. As a counselor, its nice to know that I can play a role in helping some couples develop the skills or insight that they need to repair their relationship, instead of just giving up on it.

So for now, I'll keep putting a smile on my face. I'll keep doing the things that make me happy. And I hope that I can make other people happy in the process. Sometimes I'll fill the void, and sometimes it will be empty again, but I'm hoping that as time goes on the void will get smaller and smaller until all of this is a distant memory.

Tomorrow morning I'm looking forward to a large glass of homemade iced green tea and the feeling of fall. Goodnight friends.

Light Rail Love

“Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.” –Le Petit Prince

I was riding the light rail on Saturday night when a couple who were visually impaired got on and sat across from me. I observed the couple as they held one another and sat quietly. They looked so sweet and happy together. It really got me thinking about love (something you analyze way too much after you’ve experienced heartbreak). I started thinking about how pure their relationship must be. How they had probably come together because they had something in common that allowed them to relate to one another, but that they were able to truly know the other and love the other for everything that they really are, looks and superficiality aside. I know for the most part that I will always be driven to another person by physical attraction, as long as I am able to, but I can only hope that I will be lucky enough to end up with someone through the important stuff… through their quirks, values, and everything that could never be expressed by the way they look.

Thank you light rail love. <3

And Suddenly I'm Free... Suddenly I'm Me...

I wish I could break it down into a simple equation. The day I woke up and realized that this was right, that this person wasn't supposed to be in my life. And I wish I could say that I wasn't exaggerating about it being just that one day (okay... maybe its a bit of an exaggeration), but after 7 months of inexplicable pain, one day I regained my spark... just like that. I feel like all of the stuff that I could write that helped me has been written in relationship blogs and advice columns time and time again. Unfortunately... until you're ready to accept what you're reading, you can't move on... and that's what I learned. I didn't "hear" anything different that one day than I did 7 months ago when the heartbreak began... but I heard everything differently when I was ready to face it.

Let my travel blogs begin :)

So it's been a couple of months now since I returned back from my travels across Europe, but I think its about time I write about my adventures :)

For starters, I guess I should explain my trip. I booked a tour that traveled to 10 different countries in Europe over 23 days. I'd never been to Europe (or around the world much at all) before this trip.... and I never realized what adventure I was missing out on until my journey began. The tour group met in London, but the tour didn't include London so I flew in a couple of days early to explore on my own. I'm used to flying by myself, but I'm definitely not used to landing in a foreign city, let alone a foreign country, with out anyone there I know. The plane ride was surprisingly pleasant, with surprisingly good food (thanks Air Canada!). It was also a nice bonus that the passengers next to me were great company and shared many stories with me about their own travels. When I arrived in London, I found it was so easy to navigate and after making some new friends at the airport that I would later try to meet up with, and traveling on the tube to Kings Cross Station, I had very little difficulty finding my way to the hostel I was staying at for my two nights in London. I was a little skeptical about staying in a hostel, as I had never done anything like it before... but I am so thankful that I did because it was so easy to make friends quickly in this foreign place. I spent the first day wandering around the city and catching the tube to random places (such as Hyde Park) so that I would know how to quickly get to the sites the next day. I later made some friends in the lobby, one from New Zealand, who I hope to remain in touch with for a long time to come :). A good friend (since middle school) happened to be in London with her boyfriend and was able to meet my new friend and I at my hostel and we had an amazing night just laughing and sharing stories with one another.

The next day I was supposed to meet my new "wolfpack" (3 guys from California that I met at the airport), at Hyde Palace, for the changing of the guard, but let me tell you... there were a lot of people there, so I didn't have much luck. Instead, I met this amazing family, a wife and husband who had been traveling with their 3 young boys across the world (16 different countries, over a span of 11 months). I spent the rest of the afternoon traveling

to the sites with this awesome family, while they told me about the coolest places they had visited and showed me photos- adding to my already lengthy list of countries I have to see. I was so lucky to have met such a generous and open family, and it really made my adventures in London (on my own) that much more enjoyable.

After having only spent 2 days in London

I was sad to leave all of my new friends, but was chipper as can be at 6am when it was time to wake up and journey over to the hostel where I would be meeting the 50 strangers that I would be spending the next month with.

A renewed sense of optimism

I've been really bad about writing in my blog since I started it back in June. I think its because I fear that I'll get too personal or because I think of so many things to write about that I don't know where to begin. I was recently reminded by a good friend that I encourage others to be candid, so I'll try not to hold back.

I intended to write a blog right after I returned from my tour of Europe, but writer's block kicked in and I still haven't found the time to fill everyone in on the highlights of my travels (it will take ages of course!). I had a lot of time to reflect while on my travels.. and even the months following...

Periodically I listen to messages that I've saved in my voicemail. I received one from an amazing family member months back, after I was struggling through some tough times with the passing of two friends and a heart that I thought would never heal. In the meantime I was trying to find some joy in obtaining a master's degree while surrounded by so many amazing family members and friends. The voicemail said, "I hope you get your energy back, your strength back, and your smile back." I still get teary-eyed when I listen to that message.

So here I am. Strength, smile, and energy- check. Some days I still find myself confused, sad, and hurt, but I accept the pain and move on. I still try to understand, as much as I know it doesn't make a difference, I think its just in my nature to try to find answers. And maybe I had the answers all along... it just took looking inside myself... and facing some realities that I wasn't ready to face.

[I wrote this blog a few weeks ago, but decided to go ahead and publish it in an attempt to motivate myself to keep writing and submitting my entries on a regular basis. :) ]

15 pound heart

What does a break mean? I want to be the person that tells you that its all going to be okay... that your partner just needs some time to think, and surely he or she will realize what they'd be missing without you, but all I can do is tell you what I learned from my personal experience.

I was inspired to write this entry because I know one of the first things I did when I heard the word "break," after everyone told me that a break was a breakup, was google it in hopes to find any other alternative to what "break" really meant. So here I am to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I want to start off by saying that I am not the person that is going to tell you that a break means a break up, every circumstance is different and I certainly don't know yours so I will tell you what you can take from a break (whether it ends with you together or apart).

One of the most beneficial things I took from the break was recognizing a tendency to take people for granted. I think its all too common to take the people we care about the most for granted and when someone you love is suddenly taken away from you one of the most powerful lessons that can be learned, I think, is how important it is to really show the people you love how much you love them every day. You'll come to find out that I am not an advocate of breaks, but I will say that had my break lasted that first week, and not been a 3 week drawn out torture, I'd have been equipped with so much more respect and appreciation, and I'd probably be giving a different opinion about breaks right now.

The other important lesson I learned is to take other's opinions of what the break means with a grain of salt (as I sit here and give you my opinion). That's not to say that I didn't value everyone's opinion and that I wasn't grateful for them, but I learned the hard way that taking everyone else's word made the pain far worse. The best advice I have would be to talk to your partner, talk about what the break means, and talk about rules of the break... that all seems so obvious, easier said than done and unfortunately once a relationship reaches a point where a "break" needs to occur, that level of communication probably isn't being reached.

So what next? The bad. Accepting that someone you love could put you in that amount of pain. Its a difficult concept to grasp- that someone would want to put you in such a terrible place and then judge whether or not they want to be with you when you are that low. I wouldn't have wanted to be with me when I was that low. I wish I could say "stay strong" and maybe some can, but if I could do it all over again would I have been less emotional? Its hard to say.

The most important thing I can say is stay true to yourself. Don't do or say anything that you'll regret. Remember how valuable you are, and don't let another persons questioning your relationship define your value. Take the time to empower yourself, realize that the break isn't just a choice for your partner to stay together or break up but its just as much a choice for you.... is enduring the pain they put you in worth it? Maybe. Maybe not.

It's a harsh reality to face that the person you thought you would be with doesn't see themselves with you any longer, but from the other side its probably a harsh reality for them too... and while a break may not be the right way to handle it the other person may see it as the best alternative.

Would I ever put someone on a break? No chance. If I love someone, or ever loved them, I could never find it in my heart to put them through an ounce of what I experienced during the break.

I was told that the break was never intended to be a breakup, that things that happened over the break were the "straw that broke the camels back"... well if you put a 10 ton weight on the camels back it is guaranteed to break. There was the answer. What is a break? Depends. What was my break? A breakup.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;

love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;

it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

A new outlook

I wanted to make a resolution to write down something new that I learned every day. I haven't followed through with this resolution, but I thought I'd start by blogging my thoughts... or lessons learned (as much as a 23 year old young lady can learn :D).

I've been thinking a lot lately of how happy I am with the things I've come to learn about myself over the past 6 months. I've struggled with a lot of questions, some I'll never have the answers to... but I've learned that as long as my intentions are pure and I remain true to myself that maybe there really is no right or wrong answer. I've finally reached a point where I can truly see that the sadness that I have experienced has been outweighed by the things I've taken from that sadness.

So I guess I'll start off with one of those questions that I haven't quite found my answer to- asking myself"Why?". Why why why why why? I mean, what utility does it serve? Maybe if I had an answer to "why," then I'd be able to tell you how much good it really did me or maybe not. On the one hand, why got me stuck. Stuck replaying, reliving, recounting, rethinking, repeating.. you get the point. A good friend once told me I was like my own personal historian (ooh, aren't we all :)). She pointed out that I can recall every thing that was said, every feeling that I experienced in that moment, and every thought that went through my head. Stuck. Well, if why gets me stuck then I guess it wasn't very useful after all. So there must be something positive I can take from why... right? Exactly. After accepting that sometimes there are no answers to be found, remembering that you still are good, and pushing forward (even when there are days that you get tugged back), you realize that why keeps you in the past and maybe the real question is how? Don't get me wrong, how has a good way of sneaking itself into the past as well, but the utility in how is that it provides an answer that will move me forward in life rather than keep me back. So, again, I ask myself- how? How did I get to a place where I was left in the dark? To think, I could preach all day long about awareness and then I wonder how the news hit me like a ton of bricks. How do you gain awareness? Communicating properly, with yourself and others is one way. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I don't love you. How do you communicate properly?-- I thought I knew, but I think I'll have to get back to you (hopefully sooner than later ;)).

How was I treating the people that I loved? Probably not the way that I wanted to be treating them, that's for sure. And the answer I found was one of the greatest lessons I gained from the sadness yet. I called my mom one day to tell her how much I appreciated her. How sorry I was that sometimes when I'm grumpy I allow myself to be rude to her about the most ridiculous things. She laughed and said, "but that's okay! I'm your Mom". Of course, my mom will put up with me through good and bad... but I've reminded myself that the people that I love the most deserve me at my best (and will be there for me at my worst). And that's how. Recognizing how I got there so I can avoid being there again. A good friend told me that she was afraid that I would be forever tainted with the fear that the person who I love could, at any moment, fall out of love with me. I think "how" has gotten me past that fear.

So that's it for my first blog entry. I apologize if you didn't receive the wisdom that you had hoped for, but it helps me and I hope that's enough. :)