If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then...

I'm back from my blogging hiatus. It should probably come as no surprise that a hurting heart has dragged me out of my hiatus. No matter what sadness or hurt I'm experiencing I hope that my blog entries will always shed a positive light on the situation and will serve to help me share with anyone reading how I have learned and grown from each experience.

Whenever I am sad, or more specifically- whenever I lose someone that I care deeply about from my life, I read Le Petit Prince (or The Little Prince.. if you prefer the english translation;)). It never fails to make me sob uncontrollably, but it is always therapeutic. I'm afraid that if I tried to give a synopsis of the book to anyone that hasn't read it, it would fall short and not do the book justice (therefore I beg you to read it!), but I will do my best to articulate the premise of the story, and more importantly the very valuable lessons exposed in the book.

In short, Le Petit Prince is a story narrated by a pilot who crashes in the Sahara desert and while he is repairing his plane, he comes across a young boy (le petit prince) who has traveled to earth from a tiny asteroid that he lives on. The pilot shares with us the journey of the little prince (as he travels from planet to planet and on each planet meets an adult who consumes his time with matters of little importance) until he finally lands on earth and meets the pilot. The little prince reminds the pilot of the importance of never losing sight of what really matters in life (like many adults do)... and the importance of opening your heart and looking beyond the surface. The story covers self-exploration, love, and loss in such a beautiful way, that like I said, I just can't do it justice in one paragraph.

Every time I read the story I take something different (and even new) from it, depending on the loss I'm facing. Probably one of my favorite encounters in the book is when the little prince comes across the fox in the desert. The little prince has a rose on his planet (that is stubborn and irritates him), but despite the way the rose treats the little prince, the little prince tends to her needs and protects her. The fox helps the little prince understand why he loves the rose, and why it is unique to all of the other roses (something the little prince comes to question when he comes across a field of roses). The fox helps the little prince understand that once you have tamed something, you become responsible for it, forever. He asks the little prince to tame him, because it will bring joy to his life.. and despite the fact that the little prince has to leave, whenever the fox sees the wheat fields he will smile because it will remind him of the little prince's golden locks... and that is essentially what life is all about, developing meaningful relationships with others (that bring us joy..and even sadness). The fox shares, probably one of the most meaningful quotes, with the little prince: "Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." (Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.)

While I often focus on the lessons about love in the book, and the little prince's quest for self-exploration, this time I took something different from the book. (SPOILER ALERT: If you intend on reading this and don't want to know the end, then skip this paragraph). When the little prince arrived on earth he met a snake who told him that if the little prince wanted, he could administer venom into his body which would allow him to return back to where he came from. After the little prince recognizes the love he has for his rose and feels as though he has abandoned her, he chooses to go back to the snake to take him up on his offer. At this point in time, the little prince has developed a strong bond with the pilot and the pilot is made aware of what the little prince has decided to do. In order to comfort the pilot, the little prince gives him a gift... the gift is his laughter, so that every time the pilot looks up at the stars he will forever hear the little prince's laughter and know that he is there, living amongst the stars. And it was at this point in the book, where I found my answer, when the little prince said "And when your sorrow is comforted (time heals all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me." This has been both a hard, and valuable lesson for me to learn. When a relationship has ended (with anyone in my life), it has brought me indescribable sadness, but as I grow and learn more about the end of relationships, I have learned that once I can get past that sadness and that loss, and accept that every person has entered and exited my life for a reason, I can always rejoice in the positive memories I shared with that person, and it doesn't have to be forever shielded with sadness.

So what did I learn? I didn't open up. I didn't ask the questions that I knew I needed to ask because I was afraid of the answers. I let things drag out because I hoped that I was wrong. I learned too late that staying closed up and pretending that things were different than they were would only lead to heartache in the end. If any thing can serve as a reminder that more than anything else you need to open your heart, ask questions, and find the beauty in the journey (no matter how difficult it may seem at times), its the little prince.


So, it wasn't a duck after all.

The Dating Game

I feel like writing all of the time, but by the time it comes to putting words on the screen I usually struggle with determining whether the topic matter is too personal or wondering if I’ve processed my emotions about the topic enough to really make sense of my experience. I might as well call this my relationship blog because my breakup and dating seem to be the most common theme. Over the past 2 years I’ve dated to try to move on, I’ve dated because I thought I had moved on, and I’ve dated since I really finally felt moved on. At different periods throughout the process I’ve bounced between avoiding dating and embracing it head on. I’ve had many challenging experiences peppered with positive ones. One of the best things that I took from my big breakup was that it was an opportunity for me to grow and improve… and that’s what I’ve taken from my experiences dating. Every time something goes wrong or doesn’t turn out the way I had planned or would have liked I am forced to reflect on my experience and learn something from it, whether that be what I’m looking for in a partner or how I can grow from it.

Recently I dated a guy who I fell for a lot more quickly than I typically do. I have a tendency to keep my guard up in the beginning of any dating situation and this one wasn’t any different, but my walls were a poor reflection of how I was really feeling. I was nervous around him and at times I felt butterflies, which I had come to believe would forever be a thing of the past. There were some red flags (or some places where I should have dug deeper and chose not to), but I chose to ignore them.. which is another habit that I’ve learned I need to break when it comes to finding a potential mate (maybe one of the most obvious ones… ‘don’t ignore red flags Coles..’). I could have saved myself a lot of grief had I allowed myself to recognize that when someone comes on so strong so quickly… something’s amiss, but I allowed my feelings to overrule my head and I learned a valuable lesson in the end. The guy decided to end things by discontinuing communication with me. As the days passed I thought there would be an excellent explanation, that he would come around and I would hear that he got really busy or that something was wrong.. or even that he would decide that I deserved the decency of expressing that he had changed his mind about me, but I came to realize that denial had gotten the best of me. I also learned that apparently guys end things with girls by discontinuing communication all the time.. and it blows me away. To learn that someone could act like they cared for another person so much and to believe that another person has a genuine regard for your feelings and then to be treated as if your feelings never mattered is a hard pill to swallow. I lost sleep and I questioned what I could have done to cause him to end things so abruptly and then I was faced with a problem that has consistently plagued me (especially when a relationship ends)… and that is that everything is always about me (when I’m trying to make sense of a situation). What I mean is that instead of accepting that his behavior was an indication that something was awry in his life, or in his ability to communicate, I asked myself what I did wrong… and the truth is, I knew in my heart that I didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of treatment, that I at least deserved the respect that could have even been displayed in a simple text message. And I realized that as much as I wanted to tell him how his actions made me feel (which is a tendency of mine) that it didn’t matter, that if I tried to share the sadness I experienced from his actions I would just come off as “crazy” and it would be another case of my denial in believing that my feelings mattered to this person and believing that if he knew how it affected me he would never treat another person that way. It was one of the harder lessons I’ve had to learn in my dating experiences thus far, but I think it really helped me put things in perspective.

I guess I felt this was especially significant to write about because two years ago today my heart was broken (and the possibility of it healing seemed futile). I've come a long way and I’m happy to say that I can look back on my relationship and smile for the good times, accept that we weren’t right for one another, and be grateful for what we had and what I learned. I hope that one day he will be able to look back on what we had and smile, I hope that one day he won’t be angry with me and he’ll be able to forgive me. I realized too late that he was hurting too, that it wasn’t easy for him and that as much as I wanted to deny it through the breakup, he loved me… and he had to lose someone he loved, too.

So for now I'll just keep on dating, and keep on learning. :)

25

In a few days I will be turning 25. Do I feel 25? Sure, I guess the feeling of 25 is left for me to define… so I can’t feel anything other than. I’m not sure where I saw myself being when I reached 25…. I guess I could attribute that to a shortcoming in my goal setting, a memory lapse, or perhaps a remolding of my expectations. Certainly if you had asked me a year and a half ago for my definition of self and where that self would be it would have involved another part of me, a part that doesn’t exist in my world anymore. Does it still get me down? Some days, but I’ve spent that year and a half that has passed regaining my sense of my whole self that isn’t dependent on any other person. I guess you could say that I’ve spent the last year and a half trying to remember what is was before falling in love that allowed me to maintain a healthy definition of my independent self and how to get that understanding back while fighting the sadness every day.

I took for granted the people and things that brought me joy, because I felt so strongly that my main source of joy had been swept out from under me. Sometimes you learn the hard way to appreciate every moment you have with every single person, but at the same time, I learned who those valuable people really were in my life. I grappled with so many conflicting feelings and concerns… I questioned if my ability to trust would be affected, namely if I would struggle with the constant fear that something could be amiss in a relationship without my awareness. Through my confusion I found myself reliving the past, wondering if certain things were done differently if it would have changed the outcome… until I finally accepted that in the grand scheme of things, those little things weren’t big enough things to have mattered.. that this was the right outcome and that trading all of the pain that came as a result of the loss could never have been worth losing the chance to be in the place that I’m at now.

So here I am… happy to be turning 25, excited to see what the rest of life has in store for me and grateful for everything life has granted me- especially the amazing friends and family that have enriched my life so greatly.

Sometimes, like Regina Spektor put is so nicely, some experiences are like forgetting the words to your favorite song… but sometimes that’s the way it should be.
Love love love!

From Paris to the Swiss Alps

Its been almost a year and I realized that I haven't even made it through 1/10th of blogging my travels around Europe. I left off on my last entry in Paris, from Paris we headed to the Swiss Alps (one of the most breathtaking places of the entire trip). On our first full day in Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland a few of us took the train up to Jungfraujoch, the highest peak in Europe. While up there we went ziplining and played in the snow!

At the top of the mountain we made our way through an awesome ice palace (inside of the glacier) consisting of all kinds of fun ice sculptures like my polar man.

One of the most amazing aspects of the trip (beyond visiting some of the coolest cities in Europe), was the time that the tour group got to bond with one another. The night life is not something to be forgotten in all of these nifty little cities. Many of the campgrounds that we stayed at had a bar, pub, or club on site so that all 48 of us could get together and play silly games like chicken masks! One nifty aspect about this particular pub was that people come from all over the world and write notes on coasters (or personal items they don't mind parting with) and hang them in the bar... so hopefully my note has been found well and maybe one day I can go back and read it myself!

Whenever people ask me what my favorite cities were on the trip (a question that is nearly impossible to answer), I always mention that Lauterbrunnen is at the top of my list (along with Tyrol, Austria for similar reasons). Beyond the obvious reasons of it being such a jaw dropping city, it was one of my personal favorites because of the limitless outdoor activities that can be done there (mountain biking, horse back riding, canyoning, skiing, or even just spending a day on the lake in Interlaken, just to name a few). It is definitely on the top of my list of places to travel back to because we had such a short time there and there are so many more activities I'd love to do.

I apologize if this entry was a bit lack luster, I will try to liven the next one up which won't be difficult to do as I blog about our trip to Nice and Monaco!

When you smile, I smile

After writing such a dismal blog entry, I feel I should follow up with a very happy moment I experienced today. Today my 3rd cousin and her friend flew in from Greece to visit America for the first time. I joined my Aunt and my Yiayia at the airport to greet them when they arrived. After arriving at the airport the first time, we came to find out that my Yiayia misread the itinerary and they were arriving in London at 11am, not in Phoenix. I enjoyed the time spent with my Aunt and Yiayia and happily returned to the airport at 7pm for their actual arrival. We waited at the international arrival gate for a couple of hours, because their flight was delayed. As arrival times grew closer, more and more people would arrive at the gate to greet their partners, friends, and family.

Firstly, it was nostalgic for me. It brought me back to a time when it was not uncommon to be greeted at your gate when you arrived. It reminded me of the joy I experienced when I'd step off the plane and have family members eagerly awaiting my arrival.

Secondly, watching how giddy and ecstatic so many people were to greet the passenger they had been waiting for was such an amazing experience. I wondered to myself how long it had been since they had seen one another.. one week? one month? one year? 5 years? But whatever amount of time it was, these people were missed. These people were loved. One family stood in front of us anxiously awaiting the arrival of a young man and I watched their excitement as he finally came walking towards the gate. Chills ran down my spine as I watched one girl run up to him, crying and hugging him.

Its hard not to smile on the inside and out when you experience happiness in other people's lives.

Drowning

Last night I had a terrible dream. I was wading in a large body of water, I can't recall where, or with who... but all of the sudden someone came from under the water and pulled me down into the depths, and no matter how hard I fought I couldn't come back up to the surface. I didn't drown under the water, instead I was just trapped in an underwater prison, for what reason.. I can't recall.

I'm not big into interpreting dreams, but it isn't difficult for me to find meaning in this one. I've been trying to stay afloat for months now. It was my fault for sinking so low... when the only person I thought could save me wanted nothing to do with me. I've been an empty shell. There's hardly a second that goes by lately that my heart doesn't continue to break. But every day I smile, and I laugh. And some people tell me that my smile makes them smile, and that helps me to keep smiling. Every day I know there is always something to smile about. But there are too many days that I come home and I cry. It's hard for me to admit that. It's hard for me to write about something that to me seems so minute compared to the many tragedies that so many people face. But no matter how much I tell myself that, it doesn't take the pain away.

This time last year I was lying next to the person that I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. And I feel so naive. I feel so naive for thinking that we had something special, something that you don't find everyday.. that I've never found before. I know this isn't a unique feeling, I know people suffer from heartbreak everyday, and I know people feel like its the end of the world... and I know that its not. I know that people move forward and the pain fades away. But sometimes its hard to believe when the pain I experienced the day it ended in a blink of an eye is comparable to the pain I experience now.

I've lost pieces of myself this year. Its crazy what love can do to a person. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that still loved me and supported me despite how weak I became. I know that I haven't been the best me that I can be, but no matter what I always had someone I could turn to... and I guess that's what marks a true friend, someone who stays by your side through the worst of times.

In 2011 I lost what I thought was the love of my life, and a family I thought I could call my own. And it doesn't matter how capable, confident, or strong I thought I was... when you become insignificant to one of the single most important things in your life, none of that matters anymore.

I hope that in 2012 the amount of tears my eyes have shed will turn into strength. I hope I can turn all of this sadness into something positive. I'm in no rush to fall in love again... this time around I'll guard my heart a little better.

Let the tour begin!

After waking up at my hostel in London bright and early I made my way down to the hostel to meet my 48 other travel mates. As soon as I stepped foot into the lobby I was directed towards the tour guide to check-in. To my surprise, our tour guide that would be leading us on this 23 day adventure was quite a cutie. This would be my biggest crush of the entire trip (while I'd usually be embarrassed to share this, it wasn't a well kept secret).

48 of us piled on a bus that took us to Dover where we boarded a ferry to Calais, France (where I could begin using my broken french). While most people became very sea-sick on this ride, I spent most of the time peering out the window and hopping around the ferry. Once we arrived in France we were greeted by our bus driver, Dave, who would be responsible for carting us around Europe. Dave asked for a show of hands of people from each country and mine was the only one for the U.S., to which he responded "don't worry, we'll take care of you".

Shortly after arriving in Paris, we went to a nice little french restaurant and I tried frog legs for the first time. As you can see, I was pretty skeptical about them...

We took a bus tour of the city and ended at the Eiffel tower... just in time for the light show :)

The next day we woke up bright and early and were free to explore the city on our own. A group of us toured Le Louvre and then made our way down to the finish line of Tour de France to watch the finish, which was an awesome thing to witness... (how often am I in Paris for le Tour de France?!)

While waiting for the cyclists to come through I had a hotdog on a baguette and an orangina.

That evening the entire group met underneath the Eiffel tower to have a picnic.

After the picnic many of us changed and attended the Latin Cabaret. It was on the way back from the cabaret that I danced my way down the aisle of the bus on only the 2nd night of knowing my travel buddies. We returned to our hotel and went to a bar across the street... they were closing the doors as we walked up but opened just for us and it was like our own private party. We danced and sang and got to know the people that we would be spending the next 3 weeks with.

Run, run, run away...

Half marathon completed!! 2:07 was my official time. I did a poor job of training before the race... but miraculously made it to the end (not without feeling like my legs were going to collapse at mile 13).

I spent the majority of Sunday and Monday recooperating, because I could barely walk. Running the half marathon brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts for me...

It felt good to run for Susan G Komen. I've been really wanting to get involved in more volunteering opportunities lately, and this was the perfect motivation/jump start.

I felt accomplished... a year ago I would have considered myself a pretty healthy person, but I was not active at all... I was always "too tired" to work out or go for a run. This year I feel brand new as far as fitness goes. Running the half reminded me that I really can do anything I set my mind to. I hope to run 5 miles at least 3 times a week and keep up with a healthy diet.

With all that said, there's still an emptiness that resides in me. There's still that piece of me that wishes that person would have been sitting in the back of the audience somewhere at my graduation... would have been wishing me the best of luck on my national counselor examination, and would have been cheering me on in my first half marathon. And its embarrassing to admit that during these great accomplishments sometimes I just want to breakdown because at times they mean nothing to me without that person. With my heart breaking over and over again, its hard to accept that someone can stop loving and caring for another person in the blink of an eye. Tonight I thought to myself that I hope the next person I end up in a serious relationship with has experienced heartbreak (and recovered, of course). I think for anyone that hasn't experienced it, it just seems like such a teenage cliche when someone says "it's the end of the world". No, of course not, but it doesn't mean that sometimes it doesn't feel like it is. It doesn't mean that sometimes the pain isn't unbearable, and that the only person you think could take that pain away has caused it and will only continue to contribute to it. I never thought anything would have me, as cheerful and optimistic as I can be, aching for nearly a year. And I guess, on the bright side, this experience has inspired me more than ever to help couples and individuals in pain due to relationships. It's hard to believe that during the hardest 4 months of my time in grad school, I was counseling couples and even being told that I was the best therapist they had ever had. I put a smile on my face, and they never would have guessed that every day my heart was breaking. As a counselor, its nice to know that I can play a role in helping some couples develop the skills or insight that they need to repair their relationship, instead of just giving up on it.

So for now, I'll keep putting a smile on my face. I'll keep doing the things that make me happy. And I hope that I can make other people happy in the process. Sometimes I'll fill the void, and sometimes it will be empty again, but I'm hoping that as time goes on the void will get smaller and smaller until all of this is a distant memory.

Tomorrow morning I'm looking forward to a large glass of homemade iced green tea and the feeling of fall. Goodnight friends.

Light Rail Love

“Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.” –Le Petit Prince

I was riding the light rail on Saturday night when a couple who were visually impaired got on and sat across from me. I observed the couple as they held one another and sat quietly. They looked so sweet and happy together. It really got me thinking about love (something you analyze way too much after you’ve experienced heartbreak). I started thinking about how pure their relationship must be. How they had probably come together because they had something in common that allowed them to relate to one another, but that they were able to truly know the other and love the other for everything that they really are, looks and superficiality aside. I know for the most part that I will always be driven to another person by physical attraction, as long as I am able to, but I can only hope that I will be lucky enough to end up with someone through the important stuff… through their quirks, values, and everything that could never be expressed by the way they look.

Thank you light rail love. <3

And Suddenly I'm Free... Suddenly I'm Me...

I wish I could break it down into a simple equation. The day I woke up and realized that this was right, that this person wasn't supposed to be in my life. And I wish I could say that I wasn't exaggerating about it being just that one day (okay... maybe its a bit of an exaggeration), but after 7 months of inexplicable pain, one day I regained my spark... just like that. I feel like all of the stuff that I could write that helped me has been written in relationship blogs and advice columns time and time again. Unfortunately... until you're ready to accept what you're reading, you can't move on... and that's what I learned. I didn't "hear" anything different that one day than I did 7 months ago when the heartbreak began... but I heard everything differently when I was ready to face it.