I feel like writing all of the time, but by the time it comes to putting words on the screen I usually struggle with determining whether the topic matter is too personal or wondering if I’ve processed my emotions about the topic enough to really make sense of my experience. I might as well call this my relationship blog because my breakup and dating seem to be the most common theme. Over the past 2 years I’ve dated to try to move on, I’ve dated because I thought I had moved on, and I’ve dated since I really finally felt moved on. At different periods throughout the process I’ve bounced between avoiding dating and embracing it head on. I’ve had many challenging experiences peppered with positive ones. One of the best things that I took from my big breakup was that it was an opportunity for me to grow and improve… and that’s what I’ve taken from my experiences dating. Every time something goes wrong or doesn’t turn out the way I had planned or would have liked I am forced to reflect on my experience and learn something from it, whether that be what I’m looking for in a partner or how I can grow from it.
Recently I dated a guy who I fell for a lot more quickly than I typically do. I have a tendency to keep my guard up in the beginning of any dating situation and this one wasn’t any different, but my walls were a poor reflection of how I was really feeling. I was nervous around him and at times I felt butterflies, which I had come to believe would forever be a thing of the past. There were some red flags (or some places where I should have dug deeper and chose not to), but I chose to ignore them.. which is another habit that I’ve learned I need to break when it comes to finding a potential mate (maybe one of the most obvious ones… ‘don’t ignore red flags Coles..’). I could have saved myself a lot of grief had I allowed myself to recognize that when someone comes on so strong so quickly… something’s amiss, but I allowed my feelings to overrule my head and I learned a valuable lesson in the end. The guy decided to end things by discontinuing communication with me. As the days passed I thought there would be an excellent explanation, that he would come around and I would hear that he got really busy or that something was wrong.. or even that he would decide that I deserved the decency of expressing that he had changed his mind about me, but I came to realize that denial had gotten the best of me. I also learned that apparently guys end things with girls by discontinuing communication all the time.. and it blows me away. To learn that someone could act like they cared for another person so much and to believe that another person has a genuine regard for your feelings and then to be treated as if your feelings never mattered is a hard pill to swallow. I lost sleep and I questioned what I could have done to cause him to end things so abruptly and then I was faced with a problem that has consistently plagued me (especially when a relationship ends)… and that is that everything is always about me (when I’m trying to make sense of a situation). What I mean is that instead of accepting that his behavior was an indication that something was awry in his life, or in his ability to communicate, I asked myself what I did wrong… and the truth is, I knew in my heart that I didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of treatment, that I at least deserved the respect that could have even been displayed in a simple text message. And I realized that as much as I wanted to tell him how his actions made me feel (which is a tendency of mine) that it didn’t matter, that if I tried to share the sadness I experienced from his actions I would just come off as “crazy” and it would be another case of my denial in believing that my feelings mattered to this person and believing that if he knew how it affected me he would never treat another person that way. It was one of the harder lessons I’ve had to learn in my dating experiences thus far, but I think it really helped me put things in perspective.
I guess I felt this was especially significant to write about because two years ago today my heart was broken (and the possibility of it healing seemed futile). I've come a long way and I’m happy to say that I can look back on my relationship and smile for the good times, accept that we weren’t right for one another, and be grateful for what we had and what I learned. I hope that one day he will be able to look back on what we had and smile, I hope that one day he won’t be angry with me and he’ll be able to forgive me. I realized too late that he was hurting too, that it wasn’t easy for him and that as much as I wanted to deny it through the breakup, he loved me… and he had to lose someone he loved, too.
So for now I'll just keep on dating, and keep on learning. :)
