I'm back from my blogging hiatus. It should probably come as no surprise that a hurting heart has dragged me out of my hiatus. No matter what sadness or hurt I'm experiencing I hope that my blog entries will always shed a positive light on the situation and will serve to help me share with anyone reading how I have learned and grown from each experience.
Whenever I am sad, or more specifically- whenever I lose someone that I care deeply about from my life, I read Le Petit Prince (or The Little Prince.. if you prefer the english translation;)). It never fails to make me sob uncontrollably, but it is always therapeutic. I'm afraid that if I tried to give a synopsis of the book to anyone that hasn't read it, it would fall short and not do the book justice (therefore I beg you to read it!), but I will do my best to articulate the premise of the story, and more importantly the very valuable lessons exposed in the book.
In short, Le Petit Prince is a story narrated by a pilot who crashes in the Sahara desert and while he is repairing his plane, he comes across a young boy (le petit prince) who has traveled to earth from a tiny asteroid that he lives on. The pilot shares with us the journey of the little prince (as he travels from planet to planet and on each planet meets an adult who consumes his time with matters of little importance) until he finally lands on earth and meets the pilot. The little prince reminds the pilot of the importance of never losing sight of what really matters in life (like many adults do)... and the importance of opening your heart and looking beyond the surface. The story covers self-exploration, love, and loss in such a beautiful way, that like I said, I just can't do it justice in one paragraph.
Every time I read the story I take something different (and even new) from it, depending on the loss I'm facing. Probably one of my favorite encounters in the book is when the little prince comes across the fox in the desert. The little prince has a rose on his planet (that is stubborn and irritates him), but despite the way the rose treats the little prince, the little prince tends to her needs and protects her. The fox helps the little prince understand why he loves the rose, and why it is unique to all of the other roses (something the little prince comes to question when he comes across a field of roses). The fox helps the little prince understand that once you have tamed something, you become responsible for it, forever. He asks the little prince to tame him, because it will bring joy to his life.. and despite the fact that the little prince has to leave, whenever the fox sees the wheat fields he will smile because it will remind him of the little prince's golden locks... and that is essentially what life is all about, developing meaningful relationships with others (that bring us joy..and even sadness). The fox shares, probably one of the most meaningful quotes, with the little prince: "Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." (Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.)
While I often focus on the lessons about love in the book, and the little prince's quest for self-exploration, this time I took something different from the book. (SPOILER ALERT: If you intend on reading this and don't want to know the end, then skip this paragraph). When the little prince arrived on earth he met a snake who told him that if the little prince wanted, he could administer venom into his body which would allow him to return back to where he came from. After the little prince recognizes the love he has for his rose and feels as though he has abandoned her, he chooses to go back to the snake to take him up on his offer. At this point in time, the little prince has developed a strong bond with the pilot and the pilot is made aware of what the little prince has decided to do. In order to comfort the pilot, the little prince gives him a gift... the gift is his laughter, so that every time the pilot looks up at the stars he will forever hear the little prince's laughter and know that he is there, living amongst the stars. And it was at this point in the book, where I found my answer, when the little prince said "And when your sorrow is comforted (time heals all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me." This has been both a hard, and valuable lesson for me to learn. When a relationship has ended (with anyone in my life), it has brought me indescribable sadness, but as I grow and learn more about the end of relationships, I have learned that once I can get past that sadness and that loss, and accept that every person has entered and exited my life for a reason, I can always rejoice in the positive memories I shared with that person, and it doesn't have to be forever shielded with sadness.
So what did I learn? I didn't open up. I didn't ask the questions that I knew I needed to ask because I was afraid of the answers. I let things drag out because I hoped that I was wrong. I learned too late that staying closed up and pretending that things were different than they were would only lead to heartache in the end. If any thing can serve as a reminder that more than anything else you need to open your heart, ask questions, and find the beauty in the journey (no matter how difficult it may seem at times), its the little prince.
So, it wasn't a duck after all.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
The Dating Game
I feel like writing all of the time, but by the time it comes to putting words on the screen I usually struggle with determining whether the topic matter is too personal or wondering if I’ve processed my emotions about the topic enough to really make sense of my experience. I might as well call this my relationship blog because my breakup and dating seem to be the most common theme. Over the past 2 years I’ve dated to try to move on, I’ve dated because I thought I had moved on, and I’ve dated since I really finally felt moved on. At different periods throughout the process I’ve bounced between avoiding dating and embracing it head on. I’ve had many challenging experiences peppered with positive ones. One of the best things that I took from my big breakup was that it was an opportunity for me to grow and improve… and that’s what I’ve taken from my experiences dating. Every time something goes wrong or doesn’t turn out the way I had planned or would have liked I am forced to reflect on my experience and learn something from it, whether that be what I’m looking for in a partner or how I can grow from it.
Recently I dated a guy who I fell for a lot more quickly than I typically do. I have a tendency to keep my guard up in the beginning of any dating situation and this one wasn’t any different, but my walls were a poor reflection of how I was really feeling. I was nervous around him and at times I felt butterflies, which I had come to believe would forever be a thing of the past. There were some red flags (or some places where I should have dug deeper and chose not to), but I chose to ignore them.. which is another habit that I’ve learned I need to break when it comes to finding a potential mate (maybe one of the most obvious ones… ‘don’t ignore red flags Coles..’). I could have saved myself a lot of grief had I allowed myself to recognize that when someone comes on so strong so quickly… something’s amiss, but I allowed my feelings to overrule my head and I learned a valuable lesson in the end. The guy decided to end things by discontinuing communication with me. As the days passed I thought there would be an excellent explanation, that he would come around and I would hear that he got really busy or that something was wrong.. or even that he would decide that I deserved the decency of expressing that he had changed his mind about me, but I came to realize that denial had gotten the best of me. I also learned that apparently guys end things with girls by discontinuing communication all the time.. and it blows me away. To learn that someone could act like they cared for another person so much and to believe that another person has a genuine regard for your feelings and then to be treated as if your feelings never mattered is a hard pill to swallow. I lost sleep and I questioned what I could have done to cause him to end things so abruptly and then I was faced with a problem that has consistently plagued me (especially when a relationship ends)… and that is that everything is always about me (when I’m trying to make sense of a situation). What I mean is that instead of accepting that his behavior was an indication that something was awry in his life, or in his ability to communicate, I asked myself what I did wrong… and the truth is, I knew in my heart that I didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of treatment, that I at least deserved the respect that could have even been displayed in a simple text message. And I realized that as much as I wanted to tell him how his actions made me feel (which is a tendency of mine) that it didn’t matter, that if I tried to share the sadness I experienced from his actions I would just come off as “crazy” and it would be another case of my denial in believing that my feelings mattered to this person and believing that if he knew how it affected me he would never treat another person that way. It was one of the harder lessons I’ve had to learn in my dating experiences thus far, but I think it really helped me put things in perspective.
I guess I felt this was especially significant to write about because two years ago today my heart was broken (and the possibility of it healing seemed futile). I've come a long way and I’m happy to say that I can look back on my relationship and smile for the good times, accept that we weren’t right for one another, and be grateful for what we had and what I learned. I hope that one day he will be able to look back on what we had and smile, I hope that one day he won’t be angry with me and he’ll be able to forgive me. I realized too late that he was hurting too, that it wasn’t easy for him and that as much as I wanted to deny it through the breakup, he loved me… and he had to lose someone he loved, too.
So for now I'll just keep on dating, and keep on learning. :)
Recently I dated a guy who I fell for a lot more quickly than I typically do. I have a tendency to keep my guard up in the beginning of any dating situation and this one wasn’t any different, but my walls were a poor reflection of how I was really feeling. I was nervous around him and at times I felt butterflies, which I had come to believe would forever be a thing of the past. There were some red flags (or some places where I should have dug deeper and chose not to), but I chose to ignore them.. which is another habit that I’ve learned I need to break when it comes to finding a potential mate (maybe one of the most obvious ones… ‘don’t ignore red flags Coles..’). I could have saved myself a lot of grief had I allowed myself to recognize that when someone comes on so strong so quickly… something’s amiss, but I allowed my feelings to overrule my head and I learned a valuable lesson in the end. The guy decided to end things by discontinuing communication with me. As the days passed I thought there would be an excellent explanation, that he would come around and I would hear that he got really busy or that something was wrong.. or even that he would decide that I deserved the decency of expressing that he had changed his mind about me, but I came to realize that denial had gotten the best of me. I also learned that apparently guys end things with girls by discontinuing communication all the time.. and it blows me away. To learn that someone could act like they cared for another person so much and to believe that another person has a genuine regard for your feelings and then to be treated as if your feelings never mattered is a hard pill to swallow. I lost sleep and I questioned what I could have done to cause him to end things so abruptly and then I was faced with a problem that has consistently plagued me (especially when a relationship ends)… and that is that everything is always about me (when I’m trying to make sense of a situation). What I mean is that instead of accepting that his behavior was an indication that something was awry in his life, or in his ability to communicate, I asked myself what I did wrong… and the truth is, I knew in my heart that I didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of treatment, that I at least deserved the respect that could have even been displayed in a simple text message. And I realized that as much as I wanted to tell him how his actions made me feel (which is a tendency of mine) that it didn’t matter, that if I tried to share the sadness I experienced from his actions I would just come off as “crazy” and it would be another case of my denial in believing that my feelings mattered to this person and believing that if he knew how it affected me he would never treat another person that way. It was one of the harder lessons I’ve had to learn in my dating experiences thus far, but I think it really helped me put things in perspective.
I guess I felt this was especially significant to write about because two years ago today my heart was broken (and the possibility of it healing seemed futile). I've come a long way and I’m happy to say that I can look back on my relationship and smile for the good times, accept that we weren’t right for one another, and be grateful for what we had and what I learned. I hope that one day he will be able to look back on what we had and smile, I hope that one day he won’t be angry with me and he’ll be able to forgive me. I realized too late that he was hurting too, that it wasn’t easy for him and that as much as I wanted to deny it through the breakup, he loved me… and he had to lose someone he loved, too.
So for now I'll just keep on dating, and keep on learning. :)
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