In a few days I will be turning 25. Do I feel 25? Sure, I guess the feeling of 25 is left for me to define… so I can’t feel anything other than. I’m not sure where I saw myself being when I reached 25…. I guess I could attribute that to a shortcoming in my goal setting, a memory lapse, or perhaps a remolding of my expectations. Certainly if you had asked me a year and a half ago for my definition of self and where that self would be it would have involved another part of me, a part that doesn’t exist in my world anymore. Does it still get me down? Some days, but I’ve spent that year and a half that has passed regaining my sense of my whole self that isn’t dependent on any other person. I guess you could say that I’ve spent the last year and a half trying to remember what is was before falling in love that allowed me to maintain a healthy definition of my independent self and how to get that understanding back while fighting the sadness every day.
I took for granted the people and things that brought me joy, because I felt so strongly that my main source of joy had been swept out from under me. Sometimes you learn the hard way to appreciate every moment you have with every single person, but at the same time, I learned who those valuable people really were in my life. I grappled with so many conflicting feelings and concerns… I questioned if my ability to trust would be affected, namely if I would struggle with the constant fear that something could be amiss in a relationship without my awareness. Through my confusion I found myself reliving the past, wondering if certain things were done differently if it would have changed the outcome… until I finally accepted that in the grand scheme of things, those little things weren’t big enough things to have mattered.. that this was the right outcome and that trading all of the pain that came as a result of the loss could never have been worth losing the chance to be in the place that I’m at now.
So here I am… happy to be turning 25, excited to see what the rest of life has in store for me and grateful for everything life has granted me- especially the amazing friends and family that have enriched my life so greatly.
Sometimes, like Regina Spektor put is so nicely, some experiences are like forgetting the words to your favorite song… but sometimes that’s the way it should be.
Love love love!
