I wanted to make a resolution to write down something new that I learned every day. I haven't followed through with this resolution, but I thought I'd start by blogging my thoughts... or lessons learned (as much as a 23 year old young lady can learn :D).
I've been thinking a lot lately of how happy I am with the things I've come to learn about myself over the past 6 months. I've struggled with a lot of questions, some I'll never have the answers to... but I've learned that as long as my intentions are pure and I remain true to myself that maybe there really is no right or wrong answer. I've finally reached a point where I can truly see that the sadness that I have experienced has been outweighed by the things I've taken from that sadness.
So I guess I'll start off with one of those questions that I haven't quite found my answer to- asking myself"Why?". Why why why why why? I mean, what utility does it serve? Maybe if I had an answer to "why," then I'd be able to tell you how much good it really did me or maybe not. On the one hand, why got me stuck. Stuck replaying, reliving, recounting, rethinking, repeating.. you get the point. A good friend once told me I was like my own personal historian (ooh, aren't we all :)). She pointed out that I can recall every thing that was said, every feeling that I experienced in that moment, and every thought that went through my head. Stuck. Well, if why gets me stuck then I guess it wasn't very useful after all. So there must be something positive I can take from why... right? Exactly. After accepting that sometimes there are no answers to be found, remembering that you still are good, and pushing forward (even when there are days that you get tugged back), you realize that why keeps you in the past and maybe the real question is how? Don't get me wrong, how has a good way of sneaking itself into the past as well, but the utility in how is that it provides an answer that will move me forward in life rather than keep me back. So, again, I ask myself- how? How did I get to a place where I was left in the dark? To think, I could preach all day long about awareness and then I wonder how the news hit me like a ton of bricks. How do you gain awareness? Communicating properly, with yourself and others is one way. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I don't love you. How do you communicate properly?-- I thought I knew, but I think I'll have to get back to you (hopefully sooner than later ;)).
How was I treating the people that I loved? Probably not the way that I wanted to be treating them, that's for sure. And the answer I found was one of the greatest lessons I gained from the sadness yet. I called my mom one day to tell her how much I appreciated her. How sorry I was that sometimes when I'm grumpy I allow myself to be rude to her about the most ridiculous things. She laughed and said, "but that's okay! I'm your Mom". Of course, my mom will put up with me through good and bad... but I've reminded myself that the people that I love the most deserve me at my best (and will be there for me at my worst). And that's how. Recognizing how I got there so I can avoid being there again. A good friend told me that she was afraid that I would be forever tainted with the fear that the person who I love could, at any moment, fall out of love with me. I think "how" has gotten me past that fear.
So that's it for my first blog entry. I apologize if you didn't receive the wisdom that you had hoped for, but it helps me and I hope that's enough. :)
